That fucking guy was supposed to come by at 11:00 to pick up the lawnmower he said he wanted to buy; sum-bitch didn’t show up til 2:45, piss drunk, talkin’ bout he got lost on the way — he lives 3 fuckin blocks from me — and then he asked me to load it up in his truck because he was too drunk to pick it up; and then, after I get the fuckin’ thing in his truck he asks me to tie it down – it’s a fucking lawnmower, it Ain’t fuckin goin anywhere – so I pushed it up tight to the cab and put a couple bricks behind the wheels. He said thanks and started to climb in his truck and I said, Hey, you gonna pay me? And he said, “I already did”. And I said, The hell you did. And he said, “oh yeah, I paid the beer store”. How much you want fer it, he asked? I told him we’d agreed on $25 and he said it wasn’t worth half that. And I said, I don’t recall you mentioning anything about what it was worth, only that you’d give me $25 for it. And he said, Well, I was probably drunk when I said that. So I said, that’s fine, I’ll just unload it and you can find another fuckin’ mower. He didn’t like that so he started diggin around in his pockets, pullin’ out coins and a few singles, a couple rocks, six lottery tickets, a pocket knife, several receipts, five .22 shell casings, a church key, a rabbit’s foot, a small coil of copper wire, some coupons for Subway, and a green and yellow friendship bracelet. And then he said, “between the cash and coins and lottery tickets and Subway coupons, I’ve got about $9 and .43 cents, can I bring the rest by tomorrow?” By that point I was so irate, because he didn’t have the cash and I was crying from laughing so hard – that friendship bracelet musta been a gift from his mom, she loves her some Jordan Love and the Packers but he’s a die hard Vikings fan, swears their gonna win the super bowl, every fucking year, and after 5 games he changes his tune and starts talkin’ bout the draft, that poor fucker, he ain’t got shit in his life that’s worth a fuck, aside from his sister and those 3 cats, they’re the only thing standing between him and a life of failed criminal ventures. So anyway, I started to feel bad for him, and I know he’s a good guy, if aggravating, and there’s no need for me to keep the mower, I don’t need it no more, turned my whole yard into a zen garden so I can meditate in a place that allows me to tune everything else out. I told him he could take the mower and I’d take the Subway coupons and we’d call it even. That may not have been as good an idea as I first thought, given his obsession with Subway sandwiches, he thought I was trying to pull a fast one on him, started to ask what kind of piece of shit mower I was trying to unload on him and that just one of those two dollars off a foot long coupons was worth 10 times what that mower’s worth and that he wouldn’t take that mower if I gave it to him. It was at that point that I decided I was done, I turned my ass around and headed to the house, wasn’t worth the time to argue. That pissed him off even more, he was cursing me and the mower and my neighbors sprinkler that was shooting water on him every 15 seconds and had been since he got out of the truck. He attempted to grab the mower out of the truck but couldn’t get any leverage so he opened the gate and tried to climb in – he nearly got one knee up when his other foot slipped on the wet clay – his reaction time, which ain’t great when he aint drinkin, was really slow. His nose was the first part of his body to stop falling, followed by the rest of his face – he’s a bleeder, that’s for certain. If he wouldn’t a crashed his truck six times on the way to the hospital, I woulda let him drive; but I knew he was in no shape to keep his eyes open and his brain alert, so I helped him into the shotgun seat and drove him to the ER. After they wheeled him in, I drove his truck back to his place, unloaded the mower & put it in his pole shed. 3 days later he called me up & told me that was the best damn mower he ever had & he’d a happily paid $50 instead of $35. I didn’t bother telling him anything, just said glad ya like it. That was last Thursday, I ain’t seen him since, he typically drives by here at least 8-10 times a day, running here there and the next place but nothin’. I hope he didn’t fall in a well.
Tag: drunk
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if i be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like
If I be drunk, please let me be
Maybe prop me up if I need to pee
If I be drunk, I promise I’m fine
I’ll sober myself in the course of due time
If I be drunk, I’m probably warm
Pants may come off, that’s usually the norm
If I be drunk, please don’t tell my boss
She’s not real happy when I’m on the sauce
If I be drunk, I might dance on a table
Be ready to run, I won’t be so stable
If I be drunk, & by drunk – I Mean Rurnt
Do not be nervous, I’m already turnt
If I be drunk, I will want some grub
Scrapple & eggs & grits & bub
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to sing
Wait, no, no chance, you know Paper Rings?
If I be drunk, it might be to cope
The world is fucked, I’ve lost so much hope
If I be drunk, consider the sitch
Dystopian nightmare & me eyes often twitch
If I be drunk, it won’t be for long
I’ll straighten right up – once Cheech smokes out Chong
If I be drunk, I promise – my dear
I’ll try real hard to not spill my beer
If I be drunk, might get a tattoo
Portrait of cat, sitting in loo
If I be drunk, & meet with Jeff Be – zos
I hope that fucker ain’t eating my que – sos
If I be drunk, it’s probably late
Though possibly early, depends on my state
If I be drunk, I could make us some eggs
But really, don’t ask – if there’s still untapped kegs
If I be drunk, in time I’ll be drunker
Probably best if I don’t drive my clunker
If I be drunk, the moon must be out
Have I told you about that time I had gout?
If I be drunk, please feed the cats
I tend to forget when drinking from vats
If I be drunk, we must toast your success
I’d like to toast mine but I’m a hot fucking mess
If I be drunk, I might quote Faust
And in case you’re wondering, I’ll include notes from Proust
If I be drunk, inevitably someone will say
For fuck’s sake man, you’re in my fucking way
To which I will quietly retort
Piss off ya hoser, pour me a port
If I be drunk, you know, completely shatfaced
My friend may – affectionately – call me rat face
If I be drunk, my keys are over there
Just past the goats on the eight legged chair
If I be drunk, please shush your mouth
I’ll lay where I lie & I’ll piss on your couch
If I be drunk, or if drunk I be
Fer the love of Christ & Baby Jesus, don’t bring me iced tea
If I be drunk, you just may find
I move left & then right, can’t walk a straight line
If I be drunk as Christmas draws near
I’ll greet you with bells on – shit-tons of cheer
If I be drunk on the eve of the Eve
I’m probly having grasshoppers with Willie and Steve
If I be drunk on Christmas Eve proper
I’m caroling with Oprah, Nigel Hayes & Mark Knopfler
If I be drunk, and it’s Christmas Day
I’m at the North Pole, passed out in a sleigh
If I be drunk and Christmas be past
I’m at Barnes & Noble reading Condé Nast
If I be drunk at midnight 31 December
It’s a solid bet I will not remember
If I be drunk on 2 January,
The only things dry are my martini & my sherry
So if I be drunk & you happen upon me
We can talk about Love — & Rodgers & Majikowski
Or if I be schnookered & I’m itching for a fight
We can talk Vikings Super Bowl titles, or whatever, all night
& if I be drunk, past 3 sheets to the wind
I’ve stopped putting tonic in with my gin
If I be drunk, like McNulty & Bunk
Before you drive off, make sure I’m not in your trunk
If I be drunk on white wine or whiskey
I’m no longer averse to being quite risky
If I be smashed, like FUBAR but more
much obliged if you’d join me down here on the floor
If I be super drunk & time disappears
DO NOT let me talk you into a few more beers
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to repeat What I’ve already said already
But fuck, I’m drunk, I think my name’s Ted or Betty
And if I be drunk, I may slur my words
You can shut me up with some deep fried cheese curds
If I be drunk y empiezo a hablar español
Estoy muy borracho y trataré de caminar a Mexico
If I be drunk & it looks like I’ll fall,
no worries friend, I’m just holdin’ up this wall
If I be drunk & at your party show-up,
please – do not – hand me – a red – solo – cup
If I be drunk, pie eyed & plastered indeed,
I will not follow-nor will I lead
If I be drunk on thee cheapest rot gut,
It’s just a matter of time before I give you a YUUUUUT!
If I be drunk on the 5th of September,
don’t ask, I do not remember
If I be drunk on 15 October,
it’s our anniversary, of course I’m not sober
If I be drunk & it’s November ten
I drinks for The Corps, Bigbird, and the souls of Edmund Fitzgerald’s 29 men
If I be drunk & pass out in the park,
neighbors will talk & Dogs, they will bark
If I be drunk & the walls go to spinnin
Likelihood of hurling goes up by six trillion
If I be drunk and try making bread
Remind me I’m drunk then lock me in the shed
If I be drank, to say next level drunk
No need to poke me, I’m not getting up
If I be drunk and don’t pay my bill,
I’ll pay double tomorrow, put a note in the till
If I be drunk and start talkin’ shit
Ya might wanna record, I’m known for my wit
