Tag: drinking

  • This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    Red: Do you drink alone 

    Waverly: Of course not, good God, what do you take me for, some sort of miscreant? I drink with MySelf 

    R* YourSelf? 

    W* No, MySelf; I find most others tend to inquire about things which I’ve no interest in discussing 

    R* So you talk with yourself? 

    W* No, I’m not crazy, I talk with MySelf 

    R* I don’t follow, how do you mean, MySelf but not – YourSelf? 

    W* MySelf, Me, I, you know; Yourself, You, her/she; See? 

    R* Yes, but no, not really. What’s the difference between MySelf & YourSelf, theoretically speaking? 

    W* MySelf is the person I am, it’s me, not the person that you or anyone else perceive – what/who I know, intrinsically. YourSelf, or You, is that person that others see or create or reify to fit their perceptions of the being they are interacting with. 

    R* But why do you feel the need to differentiate based on the reality in your self and the perception of others? 

    W*  I don’t, it’s just the way it is, I didn’t make the rules. 

    R* I’m sorry, you didn’t make the rules? 

    W* Well No, I’ve no say in the matter, it’s just the way it is, was, will be. 

    R* I’ve never heard anyone make this argument before so… 

    W* that’s because it’s not an argument, it’s a basic principle of existence. 

    R* Since when? 

    W* Since the Universes. 

    R* The Universes? But what does 100 billion years of space have to do with perceptions and realities? 

    W* Nothing. 

    R* Then why did you say it’s a principle existence of time eternal? 

    W* Because it is. Just because the universe doesn’t take credit for a principle doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been. You have to believe that certain things ARE, simply because they ARE, not because you can explain or define or deconstruct them. If that were the case, we’d have died off before the first Pithecus walked upright. 

    R* Why 

    W*  Life doesn’t have time for that sort of interrogation when trying to survive. The question of perception, as it is and as it’s perceived, constructed, reconstructed, retooled, disembowled, reconfigured, reimagined, is a question that spans more millennia than recorded history has recorded. Perception, as a general construct, seems quite simple, yes? And therefore people think of it as a very cut & dried subject, concrete, static, when in fact it’s one of those ideas that plays out in a variety of ways, maybe a 1000 or 10,000, in one mind, and in 10 minds, interacting with one another, giving every variant thought hundreds of new, additional thoughts, and on and on. This is why A.I. will never capture the essence of creativity. Not human creativity, not animal creativity, plant, rock, soil, water, air, nothing, it’s too stupid to consider the nuance of the way one person’s perception colors another’s & it most certainly won’t ever go through any of the life experiences that we have, or that river’s have, or anything else. 

    R* OK, this is heavy, I didn’t think my initial question would result in my brain hurting. 

    W* Well, that’s part of the deal, we ask questions without knowing answers, or maybe thinking we know the answers, and sometimes we’re unsurprised and sometimes we’re dumbfounded by what we hear. There’s no reason to feel inept or unable, life is hard, and stupid, and ridiculous, and full of both the circuitous and the non-linear that proves to be linear long after the fact. Though linear isn’t even a term that we can ascribe a particular definition to as we need look no further than latitude and longitude and the process of delineating seemingly curved straight lines that have no beginning and no end, and are based on the make-up of the earth as it was several hundred years ago, and the trajectory it follows, which changes, and therefore changes the make-up of the orb as it is at any given point, and over time changes the degree to which earth’s land masses and atmospheres are affected by the forces of gravity and radiation and pressure and volcanic activity and tectonic shifts and then with the poles shifting, slightly, and constantly, possibly causing further disruptions in the continuum that we rely on for our alarm clocks, altering the very definition of what we think of as fixed and therefore throwing all previous knowledge relating to everything in recorded history out the proverbial window. 

    R* So you’re saying that if you drink with myself then you’re drinking alone

    W* fer fuck’s sake, how in the fuck would I drink w/ yourself, don’t you mean you, drink with you

    R* you said that yourself was not the same as myself – so then wouldn’t I refer to yourself as myself if referencing something that you’re engaged in?

    W* No, that’s non-sensical 

    R* I don’t get it. Myself & yourself don’t mean the same when speaking about yourself but when speaking about someone else they do mean the same?

    W* myself & yourself never mean the same thing, regardless of who’s using them

    R* can we start over?

    W* This is why I drink… with MySelf

  • if i be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like

    if i be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like

    If I be drunk, please let me be

    Maybe prop me up if I need to pee

    If I be drunk, I promise I’m fine

    I’ll sober myself in the course of due time

    If I be drunk, I’m probably warm

    Pants may come off, that’s usually the norm 

    If I be drunk, please don’t tell my boss

    She’s not real happy when I’m on the sauce

    If I be drunk, I might dance on a table

    Be ready to run, I won’t be so stable

    If I be drunk, & by drunk – I Mean Rurnt 

    Do not be nervous, I’m already turnt

    If I be drunk, I will want some grub

    Scrapple & eggs & grits & bub 

    If I be drunk, I’ll try not to sing

    Wait, no, no chance, you know Paper Rings?

    If I be drunk, it might be to cope

    The world is fucked, I’ve lost so much hope

    If I be drunk, consider the sitch 

    Dystopian nightmare & me eyes often twitch

    If I be drunk, it won’t be for long

    I’ll straighten right up – once Cheech smokes out Chong

    If I be drunk, I promise – my dear

    I’ll try real hard to not spill my beer

    If I be drunk, might get a tattoo 

    Portrait of cat, sitting in loo 

    If I be drunk, & meet with Jeff Be –  zos 

    I hope that fucker ain’t eating my que – sos

    If I be drunk, it’s probably late

    Though possibly early, depends on my state

    If I be drunk, I could make us some eggs

    But really, don’t ask – if there’s still untapped kegs

    If I be drunk, in time I’ll be drunker

    Probably best if I don’t drive my clunker

    If I be drunk, the moon must be out

    Have I told you about that time I had gout?

    If I be drunk, please feed the cats

    I tend to forget when drinking from vats

    If I be drunk, we must toast your success

    I’d like to toast mine but I’m a hot fucking mess

    If I be drunk, I might quote Faust

    And in case you’re wondering, I’ll include notes from Proust

    If I be drunk, inevitably someone will say

    For fuck’s sake man, you’re in my fucking way

    To which I will quietly retort

    Piss off ya hoser, pour me a port

    If I be drunk, you know, completely shatfaced

    My friend may – affectionately – call me rat face

    If I be drunk, my keys are over there

    Just past the goats on the eight legged chair

    If I be drunk, please shush your mouth

    I’ll lay where I lie & I’ll piss on your couch

    If I be drunk, or if drunk I be

    Fer the love of Christ & Baby Jesus, don’t bring me iced tea

    If I be drunk, you just may find

    I move left & then right, can’t walk a straight line

    If I be drunk as Christmas draws near

    I’ll greet you with bells on – shit-tons of cheer

    If I be drunk on the eve of the Eve

    I’m probly having grasshoppers with Willie and Steve

    If I be drunk on Christmas Eve proper

    I’m caroling with Oprah, Nigel Hayes & Mark Knopfler

    If I be drunk, and it’s Christmas Day

    I’m at the North Pole, passed out in a sleigh

    If I be drunk and Christmas be past

    I’m at Barnes & Noble reading Condé Nast

    If I be drunk at midnight 31 December 

    It’s a solid bet I will not remember 

    If I be drunk on 2 January, 

    The only things dry are my martini & my sherry

    So if I be drunk & you happen upon me

    We can talk about Love — & Rodgers & Majikowski 

    Or if I be schnookered & I’m itching for a fight 

    We can talk Vikings Super Bowl titles, or whatever, all night

    & if I be drunk, past 3 sheets to the wind

    I’ve stopped putting tonic in with my gin

    If I be drunk, like McNulty & Bunk

    Before you drive off, make sure I’m not in your trunk

    If I be drunk on white wine or whiskey

    I’m no longer averse to being quite risky

    If I be smashed, like FUBAR but more

    much obliged if you’d join me down here on the floor

    If I be super drunk & time disappears

    DO NOT let me talk you into a few more beers

    If I be drunk, I’ll try not to repeat What I’ve already said already 

    But fuck, I’m drunk, I think my name’s Ted or Betty

    And if I be drunk, I may slur my words

    You can shut me up with some deep fried cheese curds

    If I be drunk y empiezo a hablar español 

    Estoy muy borracho y trataré de caminar a Mexico 

    If I be drunk & it looks like I’ll fall, 

    no worries friend, I’m just holdin’ up this wall

    If I be drunk & at your party show-up, 

    please – do not – hand me – a red – solo – cup

    If I be drunk, pie eyed & plastered indeed, 

    I will not follow-nor will I lead

    If I be drunk on thee cheapest rot gut, 

    It’s just a matter of time before I give you a YUUUUUT!

    If I be drunk on the 5th of September, 

    don’t ask, I do not remember

    If I be drunk on 15 October, 

    it’s our anniversary, of course I’m not sober

    If I be drunk & it’s November ten

    I drinks for The Corps, Bigbird, and the souls of Edmund Fitzgerald’s 29 men

    If I be drunk & pass out in the park, 

    neighbors will talk & Dogs, they will bark 

    If I be drunk & the walls go to spinnin

    Likelihood of hurling goes up by six trillion

    If I be drunk and try making bread

    Remind me I’m drunk then lock me in the shed

    If I be drank, to say next level drunk

    No need to poke me, I’m not getting up

    If I be drunk and don’t pay my bill, 

    I’ll pay double tomorrow, put a note in the till

    If I be drunk and start talkin’ shit

    Ya might wanna record, I’m known for my wit