Category: dialogue

  • This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    Red: Do you drink alone 

    Waverly: Of course not, good God, what do you take me for, some sort of miscreant? I drink with MySelf 

    R* YourSelf? 

    W* No, MySelf; I find most others tend to inquire about things which I’ve no interest in discussing 

    R* So you talk with yourself? 

    W* No, I’m not crazy, I talk with MySelf 

    R* I don’t follow, how do you mean, MySelf but not – YourSelf? 

    W* MySelf, Me, I, you know; Yourself, You, her/she; See? 

    R* Yes, but no, not really. What’s the difference between MySelf & YourSelf, theoretically speaking? 

    W* MySelf is the person I am, it’s me, not the person that you or anyone else perceive – what/who I know, intrinsically. YourSelf, or You, is that person that others see or create or reify to fit their perceptions of the being they are interacting with. 

    R* But why do you feel the need to differentiate based on the reality in your self and the perception of others? 

    W*  I don’t, it’s just the way it is, I didn’t make the rules. 

    R* I’m sorry, you didn’t make the rules? 

    W* Well No, I’ve no say in the matter, it’s just the way it is, was, will be. 

    R* I’ve never heard anyone make this argument before so… 

    W* that’s because it’s not an argument, it’s a basic principle of existence. 

    R* Since when? 

    W* Since the Universes. 

    R* The Universes? But what does 100 billion years of space have to do with perceptions and realities? 

    W* Nothing. 

    R* Then why did you say it’s a principle existence of time eternal? 

    W* Because it is. Just because the universe doesn’t take credit for a principle doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been. You have to believe that certain things ARE, simply because they ARE, not because you can explain or define or deconstruct them. If that were the case, we’d have died off before the first Pithecus walked upright. 

    R* Why 

    W*  Life doesn’t have time for that sort of interrogation when trying to survive. The question of perception, as it is and as it’s perceived, constructed, reconstructed, retooled, disembowled, reconfigured, reimagined, is a question that spans more millennia than recorded history has recorded. Perception, as a general construct, seems quite simple, yes? And therefore people think of it as a very cut & dried subject, concrete, static, when in fact it’s one of those ideas that plays out in a variety of ways, maybe a 1000 or 10,000, in one mind, and in 10 minds, interacting with one another, giving every variant thought hundreds of new, additional thoughts, and on and on. This is why A.I. will never capture the essence of creativity. Not human creativity, not animal creativity, plant, rock, soil, water, air, nothing, it’s too stupid to consider the nuance of the way one person’s perception colors another’s & it most certainly won’t ever go through any of the life experiences that we have, or that river’s have, or anything else. 

    R* OK, this is heavy, I didn’t think my initial question would result in my brain hurting. 

    W* Well, that’s part of the deal, we ask questions without knowing answers, or maybe thinking we know the answers, and sometimes we’re unsurprised and sometimes we’re dumbfounded by what we hear. There’s no reason to feel inept or unable, life is hard, and stupid, and ridiculous, and full of both the circuitous and the non-linear that proves to be linear long after the fact. Though linear isn’t even a term that we can ascribe a particular definition to as we need look no further than latitude and longitude and the process of delineating seemingly curved straight lines that have no beginning and no end, and are based on the make-up of the earth as it was several hundred years ago, and the trajectory it follows, which changes, and therefore changes the make-up of the orb as it is at any given point, and over time changes the degree to which earth’s land masses and atmospheres are affected by the forces of gravity and radiation and pressure and volcanic activity and tectonic shifts and then with the poles shifting, slightly, and constantly, possibly causing further disruptions in the continuum that we rely on for our alarm clocks, altering the very definition of what we think of as fixed and therefore throwing all previous knowledge relating to everything in recorded history out the proverbial window. 

    R* So you’re saying that if you drink with myself then you’re drinking alone

    W* fer fuck’s sake, how in the fuck would I drink w/ yourself, don’t you mean you, drink with you

    R* you said that yourself was not the same as myself – so then wouldn’t I refer to yourself as myself if referencing something that you’re engaged in?

    W* No, that’s non-sensical 

    R* I don’t get it. Myself & yourself don’t mean the same when speaking about yourself but when speaking about someone else they do mean the same?

    W* myself & yourself never mean the same thing, regardless of who’s using them

    R* can we start over?

    W* This is why I drink… with MySelf

  • Cat Life

    Cat Life

    (Grace) I’m hungry

    (Sebastián) Me to

    (G) Should we make something? 

    (S) No, we shouldn’t make something – you should make something

    (G) Because you can’t even boil water without burning your eyebrows?

    (S) No, because I have to feed my cat before he freaks out

    (G) How long does that take?

    (S) Like 30 minutes?

    (G) What? Why?

    (S) I have to sing Our House but the Sheena Easton version, so using my falsetto, while preparing his meal; and then I have to sit with him while he eats, humming Avett Brothers & Tina Turner songs otherwise he won’t eat anything and then I have to give him ear massages after he’s done eating and sing Tiny Dancer repeatedly until he falls asleep, usually takes about 30 minutes

    (G) Ok No, no, no, no, no, no… NO! Not ok, Sebastián, you cannot be that obsequious – especially with your cat.

    (S) Why?

    (G) Sebastián! He’s a cat – a very handsome, adorable, winsome, spoiled furry little ball of mischief, which is why you are compelled to kowtow to every whim, but no, that’s too much. He can eat without your singing, he just prefers you give him your undivided attention, kind of like me 🙂

    (S) What if he doesn’t eat?

    (G) Do you really think he’ll just go on a hunger strike until you cave?

    (S) Maybe, I mean, I’ve never thought about it

    (G) How old was he when you adopted him?

    (S) three

    (G) Three, and he was alive?

    (S) What? Yeah, he was alive

    (G) So he must of been eating prior to your kitty boudoir sessions, right?

    (S) OK, Grace, it’s not a kitty boudoir and yes, he was eating, but he was on the streets, surviving, there was no one to give him the attention he needed, I could tell he was a sensitive soul when I met him in the park

    (G) I’m sure you could, but trust me, he’ll eat whether or not he’s getting the royal treatment

    (S) You may be right, but we won’t know today, I’m going to feed him, do you wanna start prepping some veggies for a stir fry? Or just open some wine and wait til I’m done?

    (G) I’ll open wine, red or white?

    (S) Either’s fine

    (G) Have you ever asked Romeo about his life on the streets?

    (S)- — —— ummmm, yeaaaaahhhh…

    (G) And…

    (S) And it was rough, but also exciting

    (G) What did he tell you was exciting

    (S) He used to go dumpster diving behind a pizza joint and him and his brothers would have to fight off rats the size of chihuahuas to get the best scraps – he doesn’t really look like a bad-ass but he’s got that feral brutality that’s innate in most alley cats

    (G) Your grasp of cat has gotten really good, how’s his English coming along?

    (S) Really well, he’s a fast learner – last week I was watching a cooking show with a Canadian sushi chef making sushi and ramen and Romeo went right up to the screen and tried to paw the tuna off the table but ignored the salmon.

    (G) What does that have to do with his English skills

    (S) He was reading the subtitles to figure out which was tuna and which was salmon, that’s how he knew

    (G) He was reading subtitles… ummm, ok, 1st, why did you have subtitles on for a cooking show on the Food Network? 2nd, what makes you believe he prefers tuna to salmon? and 3rd, When do you see your therapist next?

    (S) I always have subtitles on, it helps me with my Spanish and Romeo is fluent in Spanish; and he likes tuna better, whenever I bring home sushi he’ll eat the tuna but not the salmon – though he does eat the cream cheese from around the salmon on the Philadelphia rolls; and I’m seeing Sean on Thursday, why?

    (G) Spanish? You speak Spanish? Since when?

    (S) Well, no, I don’t, aside from muchas gracias and por favor, but I’m learning using the subtitles. Like cerveza is beer and tequila is tequila and azul is blue and amarillo is yellow

    (G) Wow, I had no idea, that’s pretty incredible, I’ll bet by next year you’ll know more colors and how to say rum, vodka, & whiskey

    (S) Yeah, and I’ll learn how to ask questions like How are you, kitty?

    (G) Como Estas, gatito?

    (S) what?

    (G) Como Estas? it means How are you; and gatito is kitty, gato is cat

    (S) How do you know that?

    (G) I took Spanish all through high school and for three years in college and I worked in a restaurant and 2 of the cooks were from Guatemala, I talked with them a lot when we were slow.

    (S) So you’ve been speaking Spanish for like 10 years and you never told me?

    (G) You never asked

    (S) Have you not noticed my attempts to properly enunciate Spanish words when we’re ordering at Valentina’s Cocina?

    (G) Yes, & I’ve never laughed at you, not out loud anyway

    (S) never laughed at me? what do you mean? is it that bad?

    (G) It’s not good

    (S) Fine, I’ll switch to French subtitles, I already know how to count to 10 in French

    (G) That probably makes more sense as we may be spending more time in Canada in the coming years

    (S) What? Why? Don’t tell me – you’ve been playing hockey since you were 5 and you were on the Juniors National Team for a few years

    (G) I started when I was 4, not 5, and was on the Junior Olympics team once – but that’s not why we’d spend time in Canada, though that’s definitely a bonus

    (S) So you speak Spanish fluently, you’re like a semi-professional hockey player, and you have perfect teeth – why are you in Wayzata?

    (G) I don’t know, I guess I like being close to you

    (S) What? Really? Shut-up!

    (G) I’m serious, you’re like, my best friend and that’s more important than being somewhere cooler without you

    (S) O.M.G. – Grace, like, I know that we’re best friends and that we love each other immensely, & that life is way better when you’re here and not somewhere else but I guess I didn’t think about it like this. I love you for that, for thinking about it in that way, like kind of serious but not all sappy and dumb but like real… and I love you for being you, and I’m going to get a job and move out of my parent’s lake-house and we’re gonna go live somewhere with more whales and dolphins and shaved ice and warm weather

    (G) Whoa, slow down, Turbo, I’m all in on the shaved ice and warm weather, and I love whales and dolphins, and you, but you said “more whales and dolphins…”

    (S) Well, we don’t have any of those in Lake Minnetonka, at least not that I know of

    (G) Yeah no, we definitely don’t have any ocean creatures in the lake. So when do we leave?

    (S) I have to sweep out the garage and put some dishes in the dishwasher but then I’ll be ready

    (G) So like an hour?

    (S)No, probably about 6-8 hours?

    (G) What? Why?

    (G) Before I sweep out the garage I have to pick up all of the loose hay and bundle it back into a bail so the birds won’t fly off with it and then I have to hand-wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher because if you don’t hand-wash them first you’ll probably find bits of food stuck to forks and plates and pickle jars and tuna tins – which need to be soaked in hot water with Dawn dish soap, the tuna tins that is, so the oil dissipates before putting the liquid down the drain and putting the tin in the dishwasher, and then I have to wait for the dishwasher to run through a cycle and shut off so there’s no risk of an electrical fire

    (G) OK, I’ll be drinking wine and watching karaoke videos, let me know when you’re ready